I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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