"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So many bounce houses so little time
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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