Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
