life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
