i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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