I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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