Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
