On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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