I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
