Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
