His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
