Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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