New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
