Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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