we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
