WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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