My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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