I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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