remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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