It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
