Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
