Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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