Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
