so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
