I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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