why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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