so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
