My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
