Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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