"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
