fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
