Swine flu. Run for my life!
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
