I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
