I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
