the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
