go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
