paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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