I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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