I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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