last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
