Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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