i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
