i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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