I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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