So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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