You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
