Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
