The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i love accidental penises.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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