I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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