the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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