I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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