I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
